“On my 24th birthday, I will celebrate having spent one year of my life in the bathroom.”
Ben Blake “What's funny is that average seems to be much, much closer to stupid than it is to genius.”
Ben Blake “In theory, theory is the same as practice. But not in practice.”
Unknown “If your girlfriend is one in a million, there are six just like her in Chicago.”
Unknown “I have good news and bad news. The bad news is that the glowing football is busted, so no Ultimate Football tonight, and I lied about the good news.”
Chris Lambert “I was going to ask him, but I thought that might be like throwing lemon juice on a paper cut.”
Chris Lambert, on a friend's girl problems “Just 'cause I'm better than you doesn't mean I'm arrogant.”
James Hendricks “I laugh because I care.”
David Southwick, even nicer guy “We make a good couple when we're happy.”
Ramsey “Some things are easier to accept than others.”
Ben Blake, on life “With a DeVry degree, you've got nowhere to go but up!”
DeVry TV Commercial Boaz: If World War III happens, we won't know because we're watching The Simpsons.
Ben Shakal: If World War III happens, we won't care because we're watching The Simpsons. “You can lead a horse to water, but try that with a dead elephant. Not as easy, is it?”
Online “It's hard not to be arrogant when natural selection keeps selecting me.”
Ben Blake, nature's choice “You're like a dog licking the sliding glass door because you're hungry.”
Ben Blake, to Billy Lisa: He's great.
Billy: He's single. Lisa: He's not that great. Discussing a certain housemate “I was going to get some sausage for breakfast, but I thought you might throw it away, Billy.”
Sarah, after our second party “Europe is just like America, but with history and culture.”
Billy, man of the world “For years it's been said that a million monkeys on a million typewriters would eventually write the complete works of Shakespeare. Thanks to the internet, we now know this to be false.”
Unknown “I would like to appeal to the ancient axiom of 'might makes right.'”
Mahatma Ben Blake “Strong in a very dorky way.”
Jenni, on a friend's "strong" personality “As a rule of thumb, the more qualifiers there are before the name of a country, the more corrupt the rulers. A country called The Socialist People's Democratic Republic of X is probably the last place in the world you'd want to live.”
Unknown “The man suing the fast-food companies for making him fat represents the common qualities of an American -- he's overweight, underinformed, and litigious.”
Lewis Black, The Daily Show “It's because Berkeley has so many good qualities that it makes the travesty worse.”
Ben Blake “A sober man at a party is lonely as a journalist, implacable as a coroner, bitter as an angel looking down from heaven.”
Unknown “It's going well, all things considered. Sort of in that "train's heading over a cliff 'cause the bridge is out but I'm mildly optimistic that a helicopter will appear to whisk me away in the next, oh, 15 seconds" sort of way.”
Chris Lambert, about the symphony trip “We've come to the conclusion that adding ninjas or bacon to anything makes it better.”
David Southwick, on life “This is such a California conversation. We're a bunch of computer geeks sitting at a Mexican restaurant talking about skiing. All we need is avacados.”
David Southwick, at Chevy's “Capitalism is the uneven distribution of wealth. Communism is the even distribution of poverty.”
online “Sure, Marxism works in theory, but then again so does my idea for building a ladder to the moon out of popsicle sticks and Elmer's glue.”
Unknown “People think cameras always tell the truth. They think the camera is a dispassionate machine that records only facts, but really, cameras lie all the time! Select the facts and you manipulate the truth.”
Calvin, from "Calvin and Hobbes" “He was just little! What's the point of putting him here and taking him so soon? It's either mean or it's arbitrary, and either way I've got the heebie-jeebies.”
Calvin, from "Calvin and Hobbes" “People talk about changing the world through science, but we're not changing the world through science. Really, we're just giving monkeys better weapons.”
Ben Blake “I used to hate writing assignments, but now I enjoy them. I realized that the purpose of writing is to inflate weak ideas, obscure poor reasoning, and inhibit clarity. With a little practice, writing can be an intimidating and impenetrable fog!”
Calvin, from "Calvin and Hobbes" “Not all those who wander are lost.”
J.R.R. Tolkien, The Fellowship of the Ring “The real glory is being knocked to your knees and then coming back.”
Vince Lombardi “Bening's character, a real estate agent who chants self-help mantras, confuses happiness with success--bad enough if you're successful, depressing if you're not.”
Roger Ebert, from his American Beauty review “A major source of objection to a free economy is precisely that it does this task so well. It gives people what they want instead of what a particular group thinks they ought to want. Underlying most arguments against the free market is a lack of belief in freedom itself.”
Milton Friedman “A right is not what someone gives you; it's what no one can take from you.”
Ramsey Clark “I suggest he try to be less of an individual and more of a faceless slug.”
Bart's School Counselor “I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty. I will not expose...”
Bart, on the chalkboard, after taking the blame for the theft of the teacher's editions “Ooh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix.”
Comic Book Shop Guy, Lisa's babysitting episode “We didn't know how to deal with inflation when writing the law because we didn't think there would be any.”
Myron Moscowitz, Berkeley city council on the passing of rent control
|