“It is one of my greatest joys. But then, I am a demented masochist with a gluttonous lust for pain.”
Dan, Online Review “Somebody up there wants to see you writhe in agony before your head implodes and your body lights aflame. His name's God.”
Jason Schachat “Your birthday arrives, as does your impending doom, Billy. Unfortunately, to meet with oblivion and a rather charming birthday present, you'll have to wait until you return to San Jose. Until then, accept this rather disturbing and unnecessary card as a warning.”
Jason Schachat, Birthday card to Billy “I've stepped in things I would sooner nominate for a McArthur Fellowship.”
Chris Lambert “I was thinking about how vastly different my life probably would have been were I a woman.”
Billy Kakes “You know, the lord God walks upon this earth, but he never comes into this house.”
Pope Ben Blake IV “We'll be fine in half an hour, and that disturbs me.”
Billy Kakes, rather drunk “Remember, there are no problems in the world of romance that can't be solved by lowering your standards.”
Milkman Dan, Forum 3000 “Why is it that 'lactose intolerant' sounds so evil and wrong but 'ethnic cleansing' sounds so clean and healthy?”
David Southwick, dandy guy “If you're going to pray, invoke the wrath of god.”
The Reverend Benjamin Blake “I've got a comfortable chair, good lighting conditions, great music, and one hell of a deadline. I couldn't study under better conditions.”
Billy Kakes, A+ student Ben Blake: I think I enunciate better when I'm drunk.
Billy Kakes: I know I enunciate better when I'm drunk. “God was my co-pilot, but we crashed in the mountains and I had to eat him.”
Bumper Sticker “I'm confused because she no longer is.”
James, referring to Kate “Whenever I feel stressed out, I take a moment to sit back and reflect, and I take comfort from the knowledge that someday I'll die.”
Billy, cheery guy “99% of everything is crap.”
Sturgeon's Law “I've always said that if they don't starve themselves for you, they don't love you.”
Aaron, on women and fitness “She's vulnerable; you should ask her out.”
Billy's mom, to Billy David: How's he getting home?
Billy: Not sure. David's Mom: Just make sure that he does. on a certain saki-bombing poker partner “God gave us logic so that we can prove that he doesn't exist.”
David Southwick, deeply religious “You've got really good moves for a white boy--you been watching "Soul Train" or something?”
Guy at The Cellar, to Ben Shakal “Paul, would you like to go out with a woman?
(pause) Do you have standards?” Arah, to Paul “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's troubles!”
Homer, Prohibition episode “Five days? But I'm angry now!”
Homer, trying to buy a gun in the NRA episode
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